5 Steps to Explicit Prior Consent in Kink
This is a quick checklist to go through with your partner(s) or, as a minimum, in your mind. It’s useful before any sexual interaction, but it’s especially tailored for kinkster.
1. Did you agree to the specific acts you’re going to do together, including if there’s going to be any sexual or genital contact?
A lot of people love to play kink scenes with no sexual contact or penetration. Using objective words and phrases, such as “no genital touching” is better than assuming you have a similar understanding of subjective words like “intimate”.
2. Is everyone an adult and able to chose to consent?
This means everyone is not only under the influence of prescription or non-prescription drugs or alcohol, but also that they’re not in subspace, having a mental health crisis, or experiencing a significant reduction in capacity.
This can include a sub feeling they have to acquiesce to the desires of the Dom even when they’re not in role. The discussion process before you play together needs to feel equal, regardless of what you do with the dynamic within the scene.
3. Have you discussed the risks and agree to how intense you want it to be?
This includes knowing how to get emergency medical aid or contacting their next of kin. And yes, it’s worth knowing that info because if they do pass out and end up in unconscious hospital, they’re not able to tell you that.
Remember, you can seriously injure someone, even if they have consented to the act and it was an accident.
4. Do you have an agreed way to stop at any time, even if you’re doing consensual non-consent (CNC), like a safe word or safe signal?
This sounds obvious, but is someone is gagged and/or bound, make sure there is still a clear way for them to give a safe signal. CNC does not include ignoring safe words or signals, if you’ve agreed that as part of your play.
5. What verbal or physical resistance did you agree that it’s okay to ignore, e.g. breaking the skin?
Whether you have staggered safe words, such as the traffic light system, or only one, it’s also worth discussing what is ok and not ok to ignore, such as breaking the skin or bleeding.
If you’re new to all this, you might want to read this article that goes into how to get started with kink.
If you’re looking for 1-to-1 support to explore BDSM and expand your kinky repertoire, click here to see if my approach to working with kink is right for you.
You deserve to receive the intimacy help and therapeutic support you need, even if you’re kinky as fuck!