Fictional ideals compared with real life love and sex
Porn on a good day
Let’s start with three of the benefits and positive uses of porn (yes, there are some!).
Generally, in relationships, some people use porn to stimulate their partner, either through shared fantasy or mutual masturbation. They can also use porn to open up conversations about sexual preferences, exploration, and experimentation. Talking about sex and suggesting trying new things generally improves intimacy and increases shared sexual pleasure.
Second, porn has also been shown to be helpful and increase intimacy in some couples who experience a drop in sex after having a baby.
Third, and very importantly, porn can also be a much-needed escape and fantasy realm for those in chronic pain or with disabilities that prevent them from having the sort of sex they would like to have.
However, porn can be a very divisive topic within relationships and among the professionals who work with them.
Porn on a bad day
To keep this short, let’s stick to its impact on three areas: the porn-user’s body, the risks to partnered sex, and intimacy within the relationship.
Porn literally “overexcites” the body, which, by definition, is not within the boundaries of stimulus that the body can regularly handle long-term. To understand the neuroscience of this try “Your brain on Porn”.
Studies on the impact of porn on relationships have shown that when one partner watches porn alone, the couple has less sex than before. Also, the porn-user gets used to being in total control of their sexual experience. This can reduce their own capacity for pleasure and the ability to connect with their partner. Typically, this can reinforce their porn use in a vicious cycle, as it becomes the only type of sex they find satisfactory, and can even lead to porn-induced erectile dysfunction (PIED).
In terms of intimacy, as well as reducing people’s capacity to connect and engage with their partner, porn tends to encourage a lot of false expectations and negative behaviours. These include the idea of a partner always being willing, aroused, and ready to have sex. In turn, this has led many women in heterosexual relationships to assume there is something wrong with them because their porn-watching partner is disappointed in their lack of arousal. Also, “88% of porn sites show physical abuse toward women and 48% show verbal abuse” according to extensive research by The Gottman Institute. I hope it goes without saying that conflating sex and violence does the opposite of encouraging the intimacy, tenderness, love, and connection that are needed in a real relationship.
So what's wrong with Rom-Coms?
Surely the Notebook can’t be as bad as all that?
Just as porn can be helpful, especially if used for the fantasy element, so can Love, Actually and Hallmark Christmas specials for festive romantic inspiration. However, they can also do to romance and relationships what porn does to sex.
They set unrealistic and unhelpful expectations of dating, relationship pacing and development, and, what it really means to live “happily ever after”.
They don’t allow people to be human, fuck up, forget stuff, get it wrong, and then try to repair the relationship. They tend to be full of men who are blessed with psychic powers and can read the minds of women who never actually ask for what they want.
Also, they tend to perpetuate the myth that Grand Romantic Gestures are meaningful expressions of true love, rather than potential relationship red flags or narcissistic love-bombing. All too often, consent and personal boundaries are also disrespected or disregarded and this is portrayed as cute or romantic rather than inappropriate, rude, or coercive.
Arguably, these unrealistic and unhelpful expectations are as poisonous and detrimental to a healthy, long-term romantic relationship as porn.
Which hurt relationships more?
Research on cisgender, heterosexual couples studies have shown most men want fewer fights and more sex and most women want more emotional connection and for their partner to be more present with them. Consequently, porn and romcoms do seem like ideal viewing materials to meet each set of these needs.
Personally, I see them both as potentially very damaging to real relationships in three main ways.
First, they both present extreme and unrealistic ways of interacting with new partners. Be that dropping everything and flying halfway around the world to meet someone on a whimsical hunch, or getting a stonking hard-on and fucking while fixing someone’s sink.
Second, they also show relationships (sex or romance) as following a set, predictable, controlled series of events, with little or no space for individual preferences or self-expression. Put simply, they’re not true to the lumps, bumps, and individuality of real life.
Thirdly, what about what happens after the “happy ending”? In reality, the grand finale is not the end of a real relationship. It may be the start of a new chapter, but mundane life will resume, along with school runs, packed lunches, and your partner’s incorrigible inability to follow your dishwasher-filling directions. Then what?!
So, with the potentially detrimental impact of porn and romcoms, isn’t it worth investing in better ways to meet these needs in ourselves and our partners?
Can I have more magic in my relationships?
Instead of porn and romcoms, how else can you bring the magic back?
One simple activity you can do today is to ask yourself what you most feel is missing in your relationship and to bring it back yourself. Don’t wait for your partner to provide what you feel is lacking.
- Missing laughter? Learn some good jokes or find comedy clips of their favourite comedian and watch them together.
- Not enough shared quality time? Find a recipe for their favourite dish and offer to get the ingredients and cook it together.
- Not feeling sexy? Buy some toys or sex dice and play together.
More long-term, consider taking a relationship-enhancing course together or work with a sex and relationship therapist and invest time and energy in your relationship.
As with cooking or learning a language, you can learn methods and techniques to improve your romantic relationship. You are worthy and deserving of having a fun and fulfilling relationship. Invest in yourself in real life!