7 Steps to master your first BDSM contract
This is a beginner’s introduction to 7 steps to consider when negotiating your first kink contract.
It is not an exhaustive list and, if in doubt, add whatever else you need to feel you have enthusiastic consent. This article addresses this.
1. Yes/No/Maybe lists
If you’re new to BDSM, welcome! A great place to start is a Yes/No/Maybe list. This is a long list of sexual acts. You can indicate your preferences both for if you want to do this to someone else or if you have it done to you.
Here is a pdf list you can print and you can find others online. Print enough copies for each participant to have two (one for giving, one for receiving).
Complete them separately and take time to really think about the list.
Once you’ve finished, compare and discuss your lists.
2. Decide what you are going to do
Based on your lists, find activities you’re both willing to do. Curb your enthusiasm and start with something you both feel at least somewhat competent at doing.
Step 2 also includes preparations such as what clothing, sex toys, or other props you want to use.
It also covers roles and responsibilities. This means practicalities such as who is going to bring condoms and snacks, as well as who gets to lead the scene when you’re playing.
I’d also encourage you to talk about aftercare. Is one of you going to take care of the other? How will they do that? Cuppa and a cuddle or a hot bath? Music or silence? What if you both need comforting?
Lastly, consider the terms and conditions of this agreement. For example, if this contract is for a one-time only scene or if it’s ongoing. How will you go about changing these terms as and when one of you wants to?
3. Decide what you are not going to do
This step is super important, at least as important as the previous one. Share any hard boundaries or limits. This can also include things you don’t want to do (even if you change your mind in the future). Using your lists from #1 can help here. For example, you might agree to try some foot worship and spanking but you’re not going to urinate on your partner.
Step 3 helps you both feel safer in your relationship and to get a better understanding of what is acceptable, appropriate, and fun in your ideal kinky playtime.
Don’t be afraid to say something that seems obvious to you as it might not be to your partner and can really ruin the mood if introduced when you’re mid-scene. For example, if you love being restrained and humiliated but then your partner spits on you and you hate it, but hadn’t mentioned it, it can totally spoil the scene for you.
4. Consider consequences
This step depends on the sort of activity you’re contracting about. Many BDSM relationships involve power exchanges and rules. So what will happen if those rules are broken? Who gets to determine the punishment?
Points #2 and #3 really come into focus when you consider if you’re willing to be caned for ‘bad behaviour’ or locked in a cupboard until you apologise. But how long is it ok for you to be locked up for?
Be aware that your judgement may be compromised when you’re actually in the scene, so you may feel more vulnerable or more empowered. Consequently, knowing you have agreed consequences can be comforting, at least until you’ve built a strong rapport with your playmate(s) over time.
Discussing this allows subs to agree to their punishment and doms to know their limits. And for the bratty subs, this is inspiration for kinky mischief!
5. Safe words
Not every kink scene or power exchange uses safewords. Whether people choose to or not, remember that consent can be withdrawn at any moment by anyone in the scene.
However, I would strongly encourage using a safe word, especially to start with and with a new activity or playmate. Importantly, make sure you agree on it and include it in your contract.
You may also want a non-verbal “safe word” especially if you’re using gags or choaking. This can be a triple tap or anything that all participants can do during the scene and that can’t be confused with another action.
6. Traffic lights directions
The traffic light system is a popular and simple way to direct the flow of the scene or exchange:
Green: keep doing what you’re doing, more please
Orange: change something, such as position, body part being touched, or lighten up for a bit, modification requested
Red: hard stop of the whole scene, immediate release from physical position and role.
Again, it’s worth having a conversation about what these words mean to you personally. Does green mean you want more or harder? If you call red, what care and immediate attention do you want and need?
7. How to change the contract
This contract is here to help you have the most fun you can. It’s not set in stone but it is a negotiated agreement and a helpful, ongoing conversation point.
With that in mind, it can be changed and revised. For example, when you find you don’t like being stomped on in heels nearly as much as you did in your imagination, you can add it to #3. When you add new activities, new toys, or visit a new location, it’s worth reviewing your contract.
I hope you found these 7 starter steps to a BDSM contract useful and not too overwhelming!
If you’re unsure, start slowly. And if you want further help and support to negotiate this process personally, I’m here for you.